Enchanted Love

Enchanted Love

Love Doesn’t Always Come Just Once in a Lifetime…

How the act of forgiveness can be the first step in returning to Love

© 2013, all rights reserved,  Sandy Peckinpah

“Grilling some eggplant...I’ve been thinking about pesto, prosciutto, Roma tomatoes, grilled eggplant and toasted sourdough bread all day. The Panini maker is coming out of the cupboard and hallelujah! Can't decide on the cheese, though... Any suggestions?”

 That “status update” went out to my circle of friends on Facebook. It ignited a conversation, and little did I know then, my grilled Italian sandwich was about to change my life, forever. I stared at the computer and read a response, “you are killing me!” 

What? Who is this guy, Jim? He didn’t look familiar. He loved the description of my Panini and acknowledged my intense passion for creating and serving food to those I love.

That was in 2010. Facebook was barely new to me and I quickly created a new community of friends gathered together from my past, my present…and little did I know, my future.

It had been 10 years since my divorce. I thought I had enchanted love. My husband and I had four children and a successful show business life, but our love couldn’t survive the worst that could happen. Our sweet wonderful 16-year old boy died suddenly.

What followed was grief and chaos followed by a separation in love and commitment, and suddenly,    I was no longer the love of his life.

David’s career as a writer-producer collapsed shortly after our divorce. His sci-fi show “Sliders” got canceled and his contract with Universal ended. He was at the end of his finances and could no longer support me, or the children.

At that point, I discovered there’s a thin line between love and hate, and both are driven by passion. I was angry with him for leaving us, for not supporting us, for letting the career we built for 25 years fall apart. I never wanted to see him again.

By April of 2006, I had created a whole new life. I moved out of Los Angeles with my children and started a real estate career in the quiet little town of Murrieta. I didn’t need David financially; I could do it on my own. But oddly, I began missing him.

Within that year I realized through much self-realization work, that I didn’t want to hold onto anger or hurt anymore. And… I arrived at that amazingly powerful place in my heart called “forgiveness.” Everything seemed clearer now. I wanted to see David. I wanted to have him in my life again.

He had remarried and moved to Canada, but on this particular day in 2006, he was coming alone to spend the day with the children.

Something had changed in the last month or so. He was excited about his new script. He began contacting me by email and phone and asked for my input. He sounded strong and not beaten down as he had in the last few years.

I knew my workday was going to be long, but my goal was to be done at 5:00 so I could see him when he brought the children home.

The day grew late, and I felt flushed with anticipation. I looked at my face in the mirror, applied fresh lipstick and a splash of perfume. I straightened papers at my desk, and slipped my computer into the bag. Then I got a business call. 

I hung up and looked at the time. Oh no! It’s past five! I knew he had to be back in LA that night. I got in my car and frantically dialed his number.

“David! I’m on my way… don’t leave yet!”

“Oh Sandy, I’m sorry. I dropped the kids off at the house. I’m already near Corona. I had to leave a little early… “

My heart sank.

“But Sandy,” There was a long, expectant pause, “I’m coming back to LA.”

Something good was happening. I could hear his mind working.

“I’m pretty excited about my new script.” He continued. “Maybe you can read it!”

“David! Sure! I’d love to read it! That’s great! The kids will be so happy you’re coming back!” I wanted to blurt out how happy I was, too. But, I didn’t.

My head was spinning and my heart whispered. I knew it! It’s what I’d been feeling for weeks.

He continued, “I had a great day with them. They’re incredible, Sandy. And that’s because of you.”

“It’s us, David…we know how to make great kids.”

There was a long sweet silence ruminating on the miracle of lives we created together.

“David, I want you to be a part of our lives again,” my voice trembled. “I miss you. I miss us.”

“I know, I miss you, too.” It was hard for him to say, but he said it. He said it.

“You could come for Thanksgiving! You and… your wife,” I replied. That was the hardest sentence of all…to include her.

He took a breath.

“ I just want to have you in our lives again.” I said.

“I’m working on that,” he cleared his throat, “on being in your lives again.”

“Good, David,” I could no longer hold it in, “What happened? What happened to us? We were so happy. We had such a good life together. We made such a beautiful family.”

“Yes… we did.” He was searching for words. How well I knew his writer’s brain. I could read every pause, every sigh, every breath.

“I guess… well… I guess it was the only way I could process losing Garrett. It hurt too much. I know, now, it wasn’t you, Sandy and I’m sorry. I just had to go away,  live life differently.”

So there it was. Exactly what I needed to hear all of these years. Searching, questioning, feeling like I had done something to cause it, that I wasn’t good enough, that I was the bad wife. As women, it’s sometimes in our nature to take on the burden of guilt, even when it’s not ours to bear.

But it wasn’t me. It was the incredibly tragic loss of our son that wounded us both beyond anything we could have imagined. Our grief seized control, chiseled away at our foundation, and our enchanted love could no longer support us through the fall as the walls came tumbling down.

David whispered.  “I’ll be back in a month. We can see each other then.”

“Really, David? I would like that…a lot.”

There was a long silence so full of words he couldn’t say… yet.

“Well… I’m having dinner with Trevor… ” he left the sentence hanging.

“So…great!” I wiped the tears stinging my eyes with the back of my hand. I could hardly drive. David would soon be having dinner with our 25-year old son. That was good.

“Tell Trevor I love him. Call me when you get back into town. Um… I’ve missed you, David”

He replied quietly, “Me too.”

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The call ended, but I held onto this gift: The Reason. Our love didn’t die. We had a foundation with the creation of children, four of them. That love remains in every cell of our bodies and of our children, forever.  But we lost our ability to express it. The only thing we could do was to push each other away.

It all boiled down to one tragic moment that changed our lives forever. Together, we had lost our son.

Three weeks later David died. A heart attack took him at the young age of 54. He never made it back to LA.

I realized, then, I had achieved the highest state of soul mate love. I went full circle with him, found power in the act of forgiveness and returned to love.  I now know the gift in the act of forgiveness is the state of grace.

Years later I began to I question, is there really only one soul mate in a lifetime?  

And so in 2010, four year’s after his death, I was open to finding love again.

I was new to Facebook, and I often wrote about food because cooking and eating is one of my great pleasures in life, and it connects people.

If you write about an Italian grilled sandwich on crusty Ciabatta bread with freshly made pesto, you’re bound to get 20 or 30 comments, no matter what! And I make my own pesto, which invites inquiries from my FB friends for the recipe.

With that enticing little “status update”another chapter of my life was just about to begin.

The response was from a man I first crossed paths with 43 years before. I was just 16 and flew to New York to audition for a show that would send me around the world singing and dancing. I remembered getting off the bus with my suitcase in hand and my eyes wide open.

There he was. Just 20 at the time. He said I didn’t notice him, and I don’t think I did. But guess what? My soul did.

Had we spoken then, my life would have been very different. But how fortunate life has taught me it doesn’t always happen the way we think it should. In the 43 years since we first met, I had a lifetime of lessons to learn.

I learned that love is a privilege and a commitment and not always easy. And, during my first union, I was also given the greatest gift. I became a mother.

Crossing paths in New York that day, 43 years ago, the course of my life actually changed forever. But I didn’t know, then… until he wrote on Facebook: Sandy, “You’re killing me.”

I responded to his post: “Why?”  And James de Girolamo wrote 5 paragraphs on food and passion.

“The point is, Sandy,” he wrote, “ In a culture that now moves too quickly to celebrate connections with each other, we can find that place at the table over food prepared by caring hands, around the fire with flames and plumes of smoke…

Orion Organic Dinnerware

James was speaking my language of love and writing was his gift. His heart and spirit were expressed through his business, Orion Trading and Design, a company that designs and creates unique dinnerware for the restaurant industry. 

He lived and worked in another state and our only communication was the written word, until one day, months later, we met. That event brought forth a love like I’ve never known.

He said I was tempered by fire, and I think he was right, but, he said, he would embrace all that I am, my past, my present, and my future… and love me for the rest of my life.

We were married a year ago.

Here’s what I’ve learned about love in the second act of my life:

1.     Love isn’t about an age or a time or a place. It’s about a connection between two people that cannot be denied. Inherently we all want to love and be loved no matter what our stage in life. Has fear held you back? Time to begin looking at that and why.

2.     Love is available and present to us, but we have to be open to it. Love and awakening to love takes practice. Turn your “green light” on if you’re looking for love. It will show in the way you walk, talk, and hold another’s gaze. Put yourself out into the world and see what happens!

3.     Whoever has been in your past was there to teach you something about love. If you thought you had your soul mate, and now they’re gone, use what you learned about love to enhance a new relationship. You have so much to give!

4.     Character and beliefs are more important than whether you feel “attraction.” Pre-conceived ideas about how someone looks or their accomplishments hold you back. What is important is looking at the kind of person they really are.

5.     The need to be “right” limits our soul connection. It causes the other person to feel they need to defend themselves. Make amends when they are called for. Life is too short.

6.     Forgiveness helps you grow. Let go of resentments you may have been holding onto for decades. Instead, feel the shift when you can be thankful for the lessons learned by forgiving your ex-lover. Forgiveness releases the shackles of anger and allows your soul to return to love and a state of grace. 

7.     Strengthen the love you have for yourself. Louise Hay recommends you start by looking in the mirror and saying “I love you. I really, really love you.” What causes our spirit to connect with another is how much our heart is open to our own love of self. 

Our wedding dance

8.   It’s the reflection of who you are in their eyes that begins the profound love connection.

In the golden years, recognize that you are still a wonderful soul who desires and can give love. I call it the “teenage years” of the second half of my life.

   By now, you’ve experienced a lot of life and it’s the sum total of your life that is rich with the ability to love again. Be open to the possibility that another soul mate is just waiting to meet you for the next act of your beautiful story.

And…Believe in the miracle of enchanted love. I’m so glad I did.

And they live LOVE...happily ever after.

Sandy Peckinpah writes books, articles, and speaks about resilience and using your past as a platform to the future. She is passionate about teaching resilience to others like her.  She’s also a realtor at Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage in Murrieta. Read more information at www.SandyPeckinpah.com                                          Email:SandyPeckinpah@gmail.com

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9 Steps to Writing Your Script for the Life You Deserve

Writing Your Script...for a Life You Love

© 2012, all rights reserved  Sandy Peckinpah

You never could have told me the day I married David Peckinpah, several decades ago, that I would not be married forever. I visualized my whole life, from that day forward, extending into a lifetime.

On the night we first met, we walked along the beach in Monterey and shared our dreams. David said “I want to be a writer.” And I replied, “Well then, let’s begin!” We merged as a creative force that sent fireworks over the moonlit bay. Well, maybe not, but that’s how it felt! 

Married, 1974

Our courtship was not traditional in any way. We were together every night, but instead of romantic dinners or dancing, we spent evenings creating characters and  the storyline for our first project together.

David loved the western genre. He came by it quite naturally. His father, Denver, was the colorful  “Cowboy Judge” of the Superior Court in Fresno. He wore a Stetson hat, and Tony Lama boots under his long black judge’s robe. He even hand rolled his own cigarettes. Every day Judge Peckinpah drove his rusty old camper to the courthouse. At lunch he’d crank up the camper and cook a pot of beans and deer meat he hunted in the mountains near Yosemite.

Sam and Denver Peckinpah

And David’s uncle? Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get asked, “Are you related to Sam Peckinpah? The movie director?

The Wild Bunch, directed by Sam Peckinpah

Sam’s greatest movie was the Oscar nominated western, The Wild Bunch, starring William Holden and Ernest Borgnine. Sam was the first to portray violence in slow motion. Picture a man getting shot with the gritty reality of blood spurting everywhere and pain so real you could feel it in your gut. That was Sam, or “Bloody Sam,” as he came to be known.

He always said, even the ordinary man could be pushed to the point of violence and demonstrated it in films like, Straw Dogs with Dustin Hoffman, The Getaway with Steve McQueen and Ali McGraw, and Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid with James Coburn and Kris Kristopherson.

The Peckinpah family even had Indian blood from Aunt Jane, a Mono Indian Princess who lived on Peckinpah Mountain outside of Northfork.  And yes, The Rifleman starring Chuck Conners was written by Sam who made the town of Northfork famous.

David idolized Sam, and Sam loved David. He often invited us to visit him in Malibu, attend screenings of his films, or join him on a film location.

Me, on set
sitting in Kris Kristofferson's chair

We even participated in Sam’s surprise 50^th birthday party in the Hollywood Hills. We were absolutely star struck walking into this party. It was crowded with famous and talented actors, writers, composers and even musicians like Bob Dylan, Kris Kristofferson, and Ringo Starr!

The conversations were alive! Exciting! Creative! On that night, I realized, this room was filled with talented people who were able to make a living doing what they loved!

David with the book contract. That's a pipe in his hand.
He thought it would make him look more like a writer. :)

Up to this point, writing had just been a hobby! With this inspired revelation, we arrived back in Monterey with writing as the focus of our dreams.  

David finished the novel we began during our courtship, and “They Were Spoken of in Whispers” was sent to an agent in New York.  Miraculously, the first publisher accepted it. We celebrated with champagne and thought, We’re going to be famous!

Our advance money arrived weeks later. We feverishly tore open the envelope and stared at the check for $1000. Two years work. Wow. We needed a back-up plan.

Sam encouraged David to write a screenplay and hired him to write a script from a book he’d optioned. It was the beginning of his passion for screenwriting, and we got $5000.

Sometimes the innocence of youth is a good thing when I think of the odds we had of “making it.” There was no doubt we’d succeed. It was the first time I truly experienced visualizing success at the inception of a dream. With that confidence, we began creating our beautiful family, beginning with Garrett, our firstborn son.

Our first born cowboy,
Garrett, named after Sam's movie,
Pat Garrett and Billythe Kid

David’s career took off and we relocated to Los Angeles.  While David was writing, I studied acting and took literature classes. After the children were in bed, I edited David’s scripts and we’d continue to talk stories and characters well into the night. There’s nothing like a creative union of two people. It ignites passion!

We had successes and failures. We made money and spent money. Then one day, the Writer’s Guild went on strike for 9 months.

Our income came to a halt and I was terrified. I would lie awake at night with visions of empty bank accounts, unpaid taxes, and piles of bills.

Our bank accounts sank, and I even had to ask my best friend for $100 to buy groceries. It was during this “financial drought,” I developed a pattern of fear around money. Its power was so strong, it consumed me, even when money wasn’t an issue. There was never an amount in the bank that made me feel safe.

During the strike, our creative minds never stopped. David wrote every single day and I edited, every single night.

When the Unions finally reached an agreement, we diligently rebuilt our financial base with the scripts written during the strike. One of them went on to be made as a Disney movie, Man of the House, with Chevy Chase and Farrah Fawcett.

Beauty and the Beast, CBS

David transitioned into doing television series and was even nominated for an Emmy for Beauty and the Beast, on CBS, starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perelman!

It may sound like we had nothing but success. Far from the truth. Like any business, the entertainment industry is a roller coaster of emotional and financial ups and downs.

Rejection was just part of success. All stories have successes and failures…that’s what makes a good story… even in real life.

Then one day, our personal story had a tragic ending. We lost our firstborn son, Garrett.

Our creative marriage couldn’t survive the despair of loss. We broke apart, and then David died suddenly at the age of 54.

With those tragedies I realized life isn’t about careers, or jobs, or money. Those things can enhance life, but really, there’s only one thing that matters, and that’s love..love for people, love for what you do, and how your love inspires other people.

Sometimes, there’s a time limit, and we don’t get to have those we love for very long. The loss of two people I deeply loved changed me forever.

I was challenged to build a life that was the highest expression of love I could possibly have. 

Until then, it never occurred to me I should have a back-up plan. My husband was a successful writer and I worked with him every step of the way, but I never took ownership. I tormented myself thinking if only I had written a script on my own, or at least shared writing credits.

I learned quickly that hindsight serves no purpose other than to torment our present lives.

I was forced to find strength beyond the debilitating grief. My three living children needed me more. I realized I had to create a new script for our lives.

We moved south of Los Angeles to a lovely affordable town called Murrieta. The children now say it was the best thing I could have done for them.

I began a new career as a real estate agent and I dove into it with passion. Failure was not an option.

article for the newspaper

We all have to find the one thing that drives us…that one thing when we wake up in the morning, we think about it and can’t wait to start our day. For me, it’s writing. Is real estate my passion? Not completely, but within our jobs are pieces of something we can find to feed our souls. I’ve found great inspiration from my clients and their personal stories! I love participating in making their dreams come true! 

I write articles on selling homes. I create ads and write home descriptions like they were stories! And, on my days off…I’m writing my own story in articles and for my books.

Like the entertainment business, I’ve had good years and bad years in real estate. We’re just coming out of the current real estate crisis and we’ve all learned an important lesson. Resourcefulness. No one and no career is immune to the ups and downs of life.

Lives and careers have cycles. There’s no magic number or perfect career that gives peace of mind, because life isn’t about a number. It’s about following your heart, doing something you love, and expressing love every single day.

When it’s a “down” time, be creative in making opportunities. Additional streams of income offer a back-up plan. I made jewelry and sold nutritional products during the worst year of the real estate crisis. At first, I was embarrassed, but then realized we do what it takes to survive. I was sharing these products because I loved them, and they enhanced my life. Ultimately, it also opened doors to new friendships and business alliances.

Remember, you’re in control of how you react to circumstances in life. It’s your life script. I’m still writing mine and discovering the lessons from my past are actually a platform for my future.

Here are 9 Story Points for Writing Your Own Life Script

1.     Do something you love and it will never feel like work. If you can’t work in your dream job right now, pursue your interests within your job and that may lead you on the path to your dream career.

2.     Keep your drive young-at-heart!  Never use age as an excuse. Louise Hay started her business at 60 when she sold her self-published book, You Can Heal Your Life out of the trunk of her car. At 86 she heads the Hay House publishing empire. Set your goals now and begin renegotiating a life you love.

3.     You’ll never run out of money because you’ll never run out of ideas. A wise friend told me this. Your ability to think and create ideas are the tools God gave you to be resilient. Use your talents and abilities to open new paths. Consider reading The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferris.

4.     “If someone says no, just say NEXT!”-Jack Canfield, author of  Chicken Soup for the Soul, Think Positive. The entertainment business is constant rejection with success sprinkled in. Don’t stop pursuing what you love. If you give up too soon, you may have been standing at the door of the person who was about to say “Yes!”

5.     Take steps to push worry out of your life, and let passion fill it. That’s resilience. I remember seeing the actor, Will Smith, interviewed by Oprah, and she asked if it felt good to be rich. He said he still falls asleep worrying about money. That’s the pattern he learned in life. Will Smith! If he worries, then “worry” is really the enemy of our spirit. “Worry” is just fear at war with your faith.

6.     Consider additional streams of income. Look to your talents like cooking, tutoring, or selling products or services for a cushion. Ask a friend what they think your talents are. It may surprise you! Even if it just pays the utilities or helps restock your savings…it’s worth it. Consider reading Rich Dad Poor Dad

7.     Life is about expressing love. Never let career or money issues spoil an evening with your partner, ruin a day with your child, or interrupt your sleep at night. When you feel those concerns taking hold, exchange it with expressing love. Take your partner on a date or spend a day with your children.

8.     When you have a tragedy, recognize it as a time to grow in faith and strength. William Bridges author of The Way of Transition wrote:  “Change can happen at any time, but transition comes along when one chapter of your life is over and another is waiting in the wings to make its entrance.” 

9.     Look to your past and write the first act in your life script. You’ll see the cycles you’ve already lived. There is no story without conflict, but you’ve survived! Now write the second act just as you’d like your life to be. That’s called having a vision for your future.

I found peace around money, my job, and my spirit, the day I decided I would be grateful for what I have and the lessons I’ve learned. My will to survive was stronger than I ever dreamed possible. I raised my three children on my own!

When I write, I often search for my husband’s inspiration. I miss our creative union, and never thought I’d experience that kind of love again.

My wedding 2011. Blending our  family,
and always honoring Garrett and David

But I did. A year ago I fell in love and married a man who captivated me when he first wrote “Hello” on Facebook! And… he writes beautifully! Now, he’s the one who edits my work! It feels so good to be loved and to share my life with someone who also shares my passion.

I couldn’t have written a better second act for myself….or maybe I did!

Not a day goes by that I don’t long to hold my son in my arms, or feel tears for the loss of David. I miss them so... but my love for them still resides deeply in my heart. 

When you lose someone, you have the opportunity to transition and express that love into those who are living. Their loss taught me to focus my life on love in the present moment, and to never, ever, take a single day for granted.

I urge you to begin writing the next part of your life. Write your story with passion! You’re the star of your own show! And remember…Live life with love. It’s the only focus that will bring you peace and a life filled with joy…happily…ever after.

Sandy Peckinpah writes books, articles, and speaks and teaches about resilience and using your past as a platform to the future. Read more at http://BreakthroughToHappy.com  Email her at  SandyPeckinpah@Yahoo.com